


Unimaginative Unleashings

by rezi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bad Writing, F/M, Very Bad Writing, Writing, fanfic within a fanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-25
Updated: 2013-12-25
Packaged: 2018-01-06 03:00:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1101591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rezi/pseuds/rezi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>her blUshing face went redder than ever before. WITH HER PERVERTED ENJOYMENT. OF HER DISGuSTING FEELINGS OF "LOVE".</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Calliope and Caliborn have many rules. Some, they don't know the reason for. Other ones, they do.<br/>One of their rules is "never show your fanfiction to each other".<br/>This is why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unimaginative Unleashings

undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering  uranianUmbra [UU]  
uu: HEY SIS.  
uu: CHECK IT OuT.  
uu: I KNOW YOu ENJOY STORIES. OF THE SICKENINGLY FLuSHED ROMANTIC VARIETY.  
uu: SO I LEFT SOME "FAN FICTION" FOR YOu. IN OuR SYLLADEX.  
uu: IT IS. THE VILEST OF SMuT. OF SOMETHING WHICH I KNOW YOu "SHIP"?  
uu: ENJOY IT. ENJOY IT VERY MuCH.  
uu: IF YOu CAN HANDLE IT! WITHOuT THROWING uP FROM HOW. LOATHESOME. IT IS!  
uu: I HAVE NO IDEA. HOW I SuMMONED uP THE STRENGTH. TO WRITE SOMETHING THIS... DIIIIIIRTY!  
uu: HAA. HAA. HAA!!!!!  
undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering  uranianUmbra [UU]

uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering  undyingUmbrage [uu]  
UU: do i even want to look?  
UU: Unless yoU are professing an actUal interest in something i enjoy...  
UU: which i doUbt, seeing as it's yoU.  
UU: bUt... i will at least give yoU a chance.  
UU: there may be hope for yoU yet!  
UU: what's this?  
UU: ... "lascivioUs hUmans, a fan fiction"?  
UU: i think i might be regretting this already.  
UU: well, here goes nothing.  
UU: tally ho!

LASCIVIOuS HuMANS. A "FAN FICTION".

ONCE uPON A TIME. THERE WAS A HIDEOuSLY PERVERTED HuMAN BEING NAMED. ROXY LALONDE.  
SHE HAD. THE MOST AWFuL FEELINGS. FEELINGS OF A DISGuSTINGLY RED VARIETY. FOR ANOTHER DISGuSTING HuMAN BEING.  
EVERY TIME. EVERY SINGLE FuCKING TIME. SHE THOuGHT OF HIM. HER HEART. WENT. FAAAAAAAAAST.  
FAST.  
WITH THESE PERVERTED FEELINGS OF.  
LOVE.

EVERY TIME. SHE SAW HIS ORANGE WORDS. ON HER COMPuTER SCREEN. HER HEART FLuTTERED. LIKE SEVERAL FuLLY GROWN CHERuBS WERE FLYING AROuND INSIDE HER HEART. WHICH WOuLD BE A VERY PAINFuL THING. IF IT WERE TO ACTuALLY HAPPEN.  
WHICH IS WHY. IN A REMARKABLY SHITTY TWIST.  
IT HAPPENED!!!!!!!!  
BECAuSE I AM THE MASTER OF THIS. "FAN FICTION". AND IT BENDS TO MY WILL ALONE!!!!!!!  
ROXY LALONDE. LAID DEAD IN HER ROOM. A MILLION CHERuBS HAVING BuRST OuT OF HER HuMAN CHEST. HER RED BLOOD COVERED THE FLOOR.  
IT WAS. A BEAuTIFuL SIGHT TO BEHOLD. EVEN IF. IT IS ONLY IN MY IMAGINATION. FOR NOW.

THE HuMAN. WHO ROXY HAD "LOVED". WAS HOWEVER STILL ALIVE. FOR NOW.  
BuT. BEFORE ROXY HAD BEEN DEVOuRED. BY THE MAWS OF MANY RAVENOuS CHERuBS.  
SHE HAD LEFT A MESSAGE. ON HER HuMAN CHAT COMMuNICATION DEVICE. FOR HER RED ROMANTICALLY DESIRED ONE.  
WHICH READ:

TG: HELP ME DRIK IM DYING.  
TG: *DERK.  
TG: *FuCK IT.  
TG: IM DED.  
TG: *DAED.  
TG: uRK.

THIS WAS. A CRuSHING SET OF MESSAGES. FOR THE DIRK HuMAN TO READ. uPON RECEIVING THEM.  
AT FIRST. IN TRAGIC IRONY. MOST BEFITTING HIM. HE THOuGHT THAT THE ROXY HuMAN WAS PLAYING A JOKE.

TT: NO. ROXY. YOu CANNOT BE DEAD.  
TT: YOu HAVE BEEN DRINKING YOuR MYSTERIOuS EARTH HuMAN DRINKS AGAIN.  
TT: BY WHICH I MEAN OuR. BECAuSE I AM ALSO HuMAN.  
TT: TELL THE TRuTH. AND REPLY. NOW.  
TT: OR I WILL KILL YOu MYSELF.

BuT NO! IT BECAME CLEAR. (EXCEPT IT DIDN'T. BECAuSE HE WAS WEARING HIS ENORMOuS DARK TRIANGuLAR GLASSES. THROuGH WHICH I ASSuME NOTHING WOuLD BE CLEAR. BuT THIS IS. A FIGuRE OF SPEECH. WHICH SHOWCASES MY AuTHORIAL TALENT. THEY SHOuLD CALL ME. THE LORD OF. "FAN FICTION".)  
THAT THE ROXY HuMAN. HIS BELOVED... DESIRED... ROXY HuMAN. WOuLD NOT REPLY.

AND SO. THE HEARTBROKEN DIRK HuMAN. WITH NO REASON TO LIVE BECAuSE THE BEAuTIFuL ROXY HuMAN WAS DEAD.  
FuCKING KILLED HIMSELF.  
HE STABBED HIMSELF THROuGH. WITH A SWORD.  
AND THERE WAS BLOOD. EVERYWHERE.  
HuMAN RED BLOOD. SOAKING INTO THE FLOOR.  
AND IT WAS BEAuTIFuL.

THE END.

UU: Ugh. why did i even bother reading this?????  
UU: i shoUld have known exactly what to expect from yoU!  
UU: i cannot tell if yoU are being serioUs with yoUr interest in red romance. and are jUst inclUding the violence and mUrder becaUse... well, becaUse yoU're yoU.  
UU: or if yoU jUst killed them both to spite me, and are mocking my interests!  
UU: yoU are entirely Unfathomable!  
UU: bUt in case yoU might have been sincere aboUt yoUr interest...  
UU: yes! i shall write yoU one of my own!  
UU: to show yoU how it's done, so to say. ^u^  
UU: and yoU can improve yoUr rather... Unrefined attempt henceforth. yes, this will be smashing!  
UU: yoU'll find it in yoUr sylladex when yoU wake Up!  
uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering  undyingUmbrage [uu]

undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering  uranianUmbra [UU]  
uu: HOW DARE YOu EVEN CONSIDER. NOT TAKING MY "FAN FICTION" SERIOuSLY.  
uu: ...  
uu: WHAT IS THIS YOu HAVE SENT ME.  
uu: OH. OH YESSSSS.

hUmans in love! (a fan fiction)

once Upon a time there was the most beaUtifUl hUman being whose name was roxy lalonde!  
bUt sadly, Undeservedly, she had always been incredibly lonely...  
thoUgh throUghoUt her life she had been cared for by the kindly carapacians, she had never had any hUman company whatsoever!  
in fact, there was only one hUman being left on the planet earth!  
he lived oceans away from her, Unreachable. bUt one day, she hoped desperately, she coUld meet him at last.  
for she was trUly, wholly and Utterly in love with him. ^u^  
[do yoU see? redrom fanfic focUsses on nice emotions, so yoU have to make yoUr character introdUctions nice! the violence yoU have in yoUrs is more characteristic of blackrom.]

uu: FuuuuuuCK.

the boy's name was dirk strider. and like roxy, he had never had any hUman contact whatsoever!  
so he bUilt robots for company. bUt he foUnd more and more over the years that steel and silicon coUld never replace flesh and blood!  
he craved hUman company. the company of one hUman in particUlar. the most wonderfUl hUman being he coUld imagine, as lonely as he was!  
one day, he wished, they coUld cUre their loneliness together.  
for, yoU see, he retUrned her adoring sentiment. bUt he had never been brave enoUgh to tell! he dreaded that if she did not love him back, he woUld end Up lonelier than ever...  
bUt one day, he promised himself, he woUld tell her!  
[take note of this! passion on both sides that each lover believes to be UnreqUited makes the reader ache for them to get together! i'm feeling that way aboUt them now, actUally... u_u]

uu: uuuuuuNGH.

one lonely night, roxy had drUnk far too mUch of her hUman alcohol! and she was feeling brave and flirtatioUs!  
tonight woUld be the night, she decided. to tell dirk of her UnboUnded passion for him!

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering  timaeUsTestified [TT]  
TG: haaaaaay dirg  
TG: *dirk  
[yoU have to type like them! for fUll immersion in the fantasy yoU are creating!]  
TG: wassUp  
TT: Oh, hello Roxy. Gone a tad strong on the drink tonight?  
TG: juuuuuuUnst a bit  
TG: *jUst  
TG: and  
TG: i hav to tlel U something  
TG: *typose  
TG: *lol i typo'd typoes  
TT: Wow. You really have had far too mUch for tonight.  
TT: Perhaps some rest will do you some good?  
TT: Although... I'd like it if you coUld tell me what you wanted to say first.

dirk's heart poUnded in his chest. coUld it be...? his feelings for her, possibly retUrned?  
if so, he coUldn't miss this chance to hear that at last by telling her to leave now! perhaps it was selfish, bUt he had been waiting years for this. with any luck...

roxy steeled herself to finally say what she'd been wanting to say for years now. drinking Up one more glass woUld give her the coUrage, she hoped.  
bUt alas! it proved to be the last straw. too drUnk to stay Upright, she collapsed on her keyboard.

uu: WHAT? NO. NO!

TG: bvhj knm,ljjjjjjjjjjjj  
TT: :(  
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased cheering  tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

uu: NO. NO. NO!

another opportUnity missed, roxy lamented Upon waking. tonight woUld not be the night.  
[Up the sUspense! keep the aUdience waiting! make it all the more exciting when the confession finally happens.]

uu: EXCITING... HNNNNNGH... uuGH!!!!

[i think that's enoUgh for now. i hope yoU've learnt something from this!]

uu: ENOuGH? WHAT?  
uu: NO, BITCH! KEEP GOING! GIVE ME MORE! YOu CAN'T END IT THERE!  
uu: I CAN'T BELIEVE... I NEVER THOuGHT SOMEONE AS PATHETIC AS YOu...  
uu: WOuLD BE CAPABLE. OF WRITING SuCH. FIIIIIILTHY STuFF.  
uu: I'M ALMOST IMPRESSED.  
uu: GIVE ME MORE, BITCH!  
uu: ...  
uu: uuuuuRGH.  
uu: IF YOu INSIST ON STILL BEING ASLEEP.  
uu: I'LL HAVE TO CONTINuE THIS. MYSELF.  


THE ROXY BITCH. SNAPS OuT OF HER STuPID SLuMBER. AND FuCKING GETS BACK TO HER COMPuTER STRAIGHT AWAY.  
SHE RE-OPENS HER HuMAN CHAT CLIENT. CLICKS ON THE ORANGE TEXT. AND FuCKING WELL TELLS HIM THE TRuTH ALREADY!!!!!!

TG: DIRK. THE HOT BITCH SAYS, STEWING IN HER SLIMY, uNNATuRAL FEELINGS OF BEING IN HuMAN LOVE. SHE IS GETTING HOT uNDER THE COLLAR. AND BEGINS TO PERSPIRE.  
TG: DIRK I LOVE YOu.

OH. OHHHHHH. IT WAS HIDEOuS. THE FEELINGS. RuNNING THROuGH HER. SHE WISHED. TO MAKE THAT MAN. HER MATESPRIT. AND PERFORM MANY VILE ACTS uPON HIM. SuCH AS. HOLDING HANDS. KISSING. TELLING HIM HE WAS REMARKABLY HANDSOME.  
SHE WANTED TO DO THEM ALL, THE FILTHY BITCH. AND DO THEM TO HIM SO HARD. HE'D WISH HE'D NEVER HAD HuMAN LOVE FOR HER. IN THE FIRST PLACE.  
BuT HE WOuLD WANT MORE. BECAuSE DEEP DOWN. HE WAS JuST AS DISGuSTINGLY LOVING AS SHE WAS.

OF COuRSE THE DIRK HuMAN SAID HE LOVED HER BACK. BECAuSE HE IS A SANE HuMAN BEING. PROBABLY THE ONLY SANE HuMAN BEING THERE IS. WHO DOES NOT LET EMOTIONS GET IN THE WAY. OF ACTION. AND GOOD HARD SMuT.  
AND SO BEGAN. THEIR COuRTSHIP.  
SHE WOuLD TELL HIM. THE MOST DISTuuuuRBING OF THINGS. LIKE. THAT. SHE LOVED HIM SO MUCH. AND SHE AAAACHED FOR WHEN HE CAME ONLINE. AND THAT SHE HAD uuuuRGES. TO KISS HIM. AND HuG HIM. AND TO HOLD HIM TIGHT.  
NOT HOLD HIM TIGHT LIKE CAPTuRING PREY. OH NO. SHE WOuLD LIKE TO HOLD HIM. IN A LOVER'S EMBRACE.  
DISGuSTING.

SHE TOLD HIM. THAT EVERY TIME. SHE SAW HIM ONLINE. OR PICTURES OF HIS FACE. OR SAW HIS ORANGE WORDS. OR HEARD HIS HuMAN VOICE. SHE FELT WONDERFuL.  
THIS WAS. OF COuRSE. THE FEELINGS OF LOVE. CORRuPTING HER.  
TO THE VERY CORE.

EVENTuALLY THEY PERPETuATED THE DISGuSTING ARRANGEMENT BY GETTING HuMAN MARRIED. THEY THEN SPENT THE REST OF THEIR LIVES IN FILTHY WEDDED BLISS.

THE END.

uu: THERE! THERE! FuCKING THERE.  
uu: IT'S DONE. AND IT WAS EASY.  
uu: HOW COuLD YOu LEAVE IT uNFINISHED LIKE THAT.  
uu: THAT WAS TRuE CRuELTY.  
uu: GOODNIGHT. YOu SICK BITCH.  
undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering  uranianUmbra [UU]

uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering  undyingUmbrage [uu]  
UU: did yoU enjoy it?  
UU: oh, Um...  
UU: hmm.  
UU: i appreciate yoUr want for an ending!  
UU: however...  
UU: i doUbt i woUld have ended it exactly so.  
UU: it does seem rather rUshed!  
UU: also, yoU appear to have disregarded my advice entirely!  
UU: i did leave it for yoU to take it into accoUnt in yoUr writing!  
UU: it woUld be for the best for the continUation of this fanfic-writing spree of yoUrs if yoU did.  
UU: here, i'll show yoU what ending i woUld have written to my little segment earlier, if i wanted to finish it off qUickly! ^u^

the next morning, roxy awoke. her head poUnded and regret flooded throUgh her as she regarded her failUre of last night.  
she coUld have gone throUgh with it, she realised with a sigh. bUt no! fate had to play against her that night.  
bUt that night was over. a new day had begUn.  
and roxy decided she didn't need her drinks to say the things that matter.

even so, it took a while to prepare herself. a drink of water, a plate of pUmpkin pie to perk her up, a wash and a groom to make herself fresh and ready.  
once this was done - no delaying it any longer, she thoUght. it was as simple a matter as opening Up the chat and typing in those vital words.  
except it never was that easy.  


tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering  timaeusTestified [TT]  
TG: dirk  
TT: What was all that fUss last night?  
TG: i was too drunk and passed oUt

dirk felt a twinge of sympathy in his heart. poor girl, abUsing herself so! he longed to protect her from herself, to stop the wonderfUl person that she was being corroded by the things she did.

TT: You look after yourself, okay?  
TT: I care a lot about you!

this encoUraged roxy. fUnny how jUst a few words can entirely change the mood of someone in love! her blUshing face went redder than ever before.  
if he cared a lot aboUt her, then... perhaps it coUld be in that way?  
more sUre of herself, more determined, she continUed.

TG: i care a lot about yoU too  
TG: becaUse  
TG: dirk  
TG: i love you

and there they were. those three words, once out in the open, coUld not be taken back!  
the silence on dirk's end terrified her. what if she had alienated him? what if he woUld never reply, and refUse to talk to her ever again?  
the very possibility made her slUmp down onto her keyboard and sob.  
eventUally, she looked Up throUgh her tears. and, throUgh her blUrred vision, she coUld just make oUt his response:

TT: Roxy, I love yoU too.

and her heart soared in joy.

the end!

UU: there yoU go. i hope that teaches yoU something on how to do redrom fic properly! ^u^  
uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering  undyingUmbrage [uu]

undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering  uranianUmbra [UU]  
uu: YOu CONTINuED THE FILTHY SMuT??????  
uu: YES. THIS IS VERY PLEASING TO ME. WITH ITS VERY ENJOYABLE. EROTIC AMOROuSNESSES. OH YES.  
uu: BuT IT IS NOT QuITE AS TITILLATING AS I DESIRE.  
uu: NO. I SHALL EDIT IT TO MY PLEASING.

the next morning, roxy awoke. her head poUnded and  BLOOD flooded  FROM HER VEINS. AS SHE HAD PIERCED HER SKuLL ON HER BROKEN GLASS. BLOOD GuSHED FROM THE CuT.  
she coUld have gone throUgh with it, she realised with a sigh. bUt no! fate had to play against her that night.  FATE. AND A BROKEN GLASS.  
bUt that night was over. a new day had begUn.  
and roxy decided she didn't need her drinks to say the things that matter.  
WHAT THE BITCH NEEDED. WAS A MAN'S STRENGTH. THE STRENGTH OF A WARRIOR.

even so, it took a while to prepare herself. a drink of water, a plate of pUmpkin pie to perk her up, a wash and a groom to make herself fresh and ready.  
THE BLOOD STILL LEAKED FROM HER HEAD SKIN. OVER HER FACE AND THROuGH HER HAIR. SHE LEFT IT THERE. IT DRIED IN CRISP RED CLOTS. CLuMPING HER HAIR TOGETHER IN VIVID RED STREAKS.  
THIS WOuLD TOuGHEN HER uP. IT WAS A BATTLE WOuND. A REMINDER OF WHAT SHE HAD TO ENDuRE.  
ITS SHARP SMELL LINGERED IN HER NOSTRILS. IT SPuRRED HER ON. TO BATTLE.  
once this was done - no delaying it any longer, she thoUght. it was as simple a matter as opening Up the chat and typing in those vital words.  
except it never was that easy.  
THERE WOuLD BE SuFFERING FIRST.

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering  timaeusTestified [TT]  
TG: dirk  
TT: What was all that fUss last night?  
TG: i was too drunk and passed oUt

dirk felt a twinge of sympathy in his heart.  HE WANTED TO BE WITH HER. TO SuFFER WITH HER. THEY WOuLD HuRT. BLEED. AND DIE. TOGETHER.

TT: You look after yourself, okay?  
TT: I care a lot about you!

this encoUraged roxy. fUnny how jUst a few words can entirely change the mood of someone in love! her blUshing face went redder than ever before. WITH HER PERVERTED ENJOYMENT. OF HER DISGuSTING FEELINGS OF "LOVE".  
IT WOuLD MAKE ANY SANE PERSON SICK. THE WAY SHE FELT. BUT NO. THIS WAS WHAT THE WHORE THRIVED ON. THESE uNNATuRAL FEELINGS. OF HuMAN ROMANCE.  
if he cared a lot aboUt her, then... perhaps in that way?  
more sUre of herself, more determined,  MORE HORRIDLY AROuSED BY HER FEELINGS OF ROMANCE, she continUed.

TG: i care a lot about yoU too  
TG: becaUse  
TG: dirk  
TG: i love you

and there they were. those three words, once out in the open, coUld not be taken back!  
the silence on dirk's end terrified her. what if she had alienated him? what if he woUld never reply, and refUse to talk to her ever again?  
WHAT IF. HE TOOK THOSE WORDS. WITH ALL THE DISGuST THEY CONTAINED. AND DECLINED ENTRY. INTO HER PERVERTED HuMAN ROMANTIC uNION.  
the very possibility made her  RAGE WITH THE POWER OF THE BuRNING RED SUN.  
eventUally, she looked Up throUgh her tears OF RAGE . and, throUgh her blUrred vision, she coUld just make oUt his response:

TT: Roxy, I love yoU too.

and her beating heart soared in joy. IT WAS HORRIBLE.

the end!

uu: ALSO. I WANT TO TELL YOu.  
uu: THAT I DO NOT CARE HOW YOu WRITE FANFIC.  
uu: YOu WRITE IT IN YOuR GIRLY HAPPY WAY.  
uu: MAKING THESE LOATHESOME CONCEPTS SOuND LIKE LOVELY THINGS.  
uu: WHEN IN FACT. THEY ARE AS VILE AS MuRDER.  
uu: AND JuST AS ENJOYABLE.  
uu: tumut  
undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering  uranianUmbra [UU]

uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering  undyingUmbrage [uu]  
UU: i shoUld have known yoU were only doing this to taUnt me!  
UU: i shall keep my fanfiction private from now on, if yoU insist on making such a mockery of it. uVu  
UU: goodbye!  
uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering  undyingUmbrage [uu]

undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering  uranianUmbra [UU]  
uu: I'M SENDING IT TO DIRK AND ROXY.  
undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering  uranianUmbra [UU]

**Author's Note:**

> Can't decide whether Caliborn's... Caliborn-ness... merits a "Graphic Depictions of Violence" tag or not. I don't think it's that bad at all. But different people, different standards... What d'you think?
> 
> Anyways. Third fic in my MERRY MOTHERLOAD, hope you enjoy! I'll be off for now, but THERE SHALL BE MORE BEFORE THE DAY IS OUT!


End file.
